Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
not for long
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.