16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes