Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.