If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.