My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
is this store having a stroke wtf
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.