Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
#StillHurts
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.