You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Tastes like chicken.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock