I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store