I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣