Why am I like this?
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I hope Alan is OK
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.