With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Me, in DM rooms…
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*