Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Ape together strong
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
be careful
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.