Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.