NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ