“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
how high up are we talkin’?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company