[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
lmfao come on
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon