I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”