When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!