Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.