Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you