There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.