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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
mom gave me mine for free
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*