*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
i think both sides are to blame here
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.