Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.