My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
NASA has no chill
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Poetry is my passion
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too