met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ๐๐
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I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say โbless youโ when I sneeze Iโm going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said โso what would be the difference?โ
If anyone asks, you havenโt seen him in two weeks either.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My mom said if sheโd known grandchildren were so fun she wouldโve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Baby bump? Thatโs a McRib bump.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
โItโs been a bit of a dayโ
Meaning: Anything from โthe printer stopped workingโ to โan asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living thingsโ
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Recipe sites be like: Hereโs a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lilโ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone thatโs 5โ5โ