What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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2022 will be better than 2021
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
the composer
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Potatoes were such a good idea
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
spicy snake
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?