Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.