Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.