It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’