This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I like long walks away from everyone
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking