Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners