Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
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Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
🙋♀️
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
thanks auntie mary