Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
shampoo implies shampee
March 16
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.