Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.