when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.