If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
God, I love Scotland
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.