Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
his wife is probably gonna see that
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Every work meeting this week
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away