Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too