“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Blew out my flip flop…
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
#Caturday
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.