“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.