[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Oceanography is all about current events
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster