I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
fired
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey