[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.