me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Always the camel, never the toe.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.