Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
What if all the cashiers are married?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean