This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child