Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Noah was an idiot.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX