I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.