When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Sharon I have some bad news
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Meow?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund